The Plates Are Stacking Up... Literally

Studies show that it takes twenty-one days to form a habit. I will accept that theory with the additional tagline of "only if it is something I really want to do."  

There are so many good habits that I would like to incorporate into my life, yet I can't seem to keep them off the back burner all at one time. It is like being impressed while watching a performer who can keep two plates spinning at once but, at some point, I start wondering when the remaining eight plates stacked up on the table beside him are going to get added.  After a while, the two plate trick seems kind of pathetic.  

Here is the list of lifestyle choices (or spinning plates) I have managed to regularly maintain for more than two years:

1. Exercise - Prior to my first gym membership in 2002, I had never made a regular attempt to be active, or any attempt for that matter. Ever. As I have mentioned, my favorite activities are completely sedentary and do not involve sweat and/or the outdoors.  I would prefer to do nothing. However, I have proven that a 5'1" frame does not do well on a daily regiment of "eat what you want and sit on the couch." 
• Thanks to Rachel, my fabulous accountability partner since 2008, my introduction to workout pants (I do not do shorts) that don't chafe my thighs and the realization that being an active adult is not like middle school gym class (talk about post traumatic stress) I have maintained, on average, a three day/week workout for almost 10 years now.
2. Reading My People Magazine - Ok, so it may not seem like an impressive feat to some but,  especially for anyone who has stacks of unread magazines, it can be difficult to keep up with a weekly subscription. I have been a loyal subscriber since 2005 and, I would argue, am a better person for it. First of all, People is not all celebrity gossip like some magazines (although I have to admit that I am often entertained in the grocery line by those as well) and it keeps me in the loop in most social situations. My career has been built around my ability to interact socially. So, from television, movie, music, and book reviews, to travel, current news headlines, and politics, People keeps me in the loop beyond the water cooler (this may be an extinct reference now that budget cuts have taken water coolers out of almost all employee break rooms).  
• Also, I am able to keep up with, and  am usually tasked with explaining, Granny's favorite reality shows (i.e. the Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars) that I don't watch but read about weekly thanks to People.  I always have coupons for specials if you are now convinced that you, too, need a subscription.  It really is the best!

Now, here is a list of things I wish I did regularly but only get added in when I am motivated.  

Disclaimer:  My mother would be horrified if she thought I made it sound as though I was raised in a household in which cleanliness and nutrition were not priorities.  She is, in fact, the original Domesticate and has been dubbed, along with Granny, "The Merry Maids" based on their tendencies of such things like traveling with lysol and bleach-infused products, cleaning the bathroom before using it (whether it is a hotel or visiting relatives), and for "doing baseboards" before 7am.  She has been a full-time working mother since I was 8 years old and can be called on any given week night when she will, without a doubt, be dusting, mopping, and/or sanitizing something.  If she says her house is "dirty," she's lying or at least it isn't visible to the naked eye.  Needless to say, the clean gene was muddied quite a bit when my cards were dealt. 

1. Vitamins - Several years ago, I convinced my husband that we should be taking a multivitamin around the same time that I started taking folic acid based on me being at "child bearing age."  Six years later and now on the other side of the "child bearing age" hill, he continues to take his Men's One-a-Day regularly while I bought my first refill last year. The folic acid, vitamin C, and Omega-3 pills also make random appearances in my pill counter during weeks when I am really on top of it. 
2. Eating - I would call this a reverse "falling off the wagon" in that I have no issues staying on it as long as it is full of food.  I imagine that I would feel better if I only ate fresh and healthy things.  I just don't like to discriminate. Therefore, I will literally eat anything.
3. Cooking - Speaking of eating, I always imagine that if I had a personal chef to cook us healthy meals, I wouldn't struggle so much with my eating habits. The truth of the matter is that my husband and I both work full-time jobs with extensive commutes in opposite directions.  That means that even if I work an eight-hour day (which is rare), I am usually out of the house by 5:30am, working out at 6:00, in the locker room by 7:00, to work by 8:30, leaving around 5:00pm, and, due to the insanity of rush hour traffic which is an entirely different blog in itself, home around 6:30 at night.  The very last thing I want to do is spend my evening in the kitchen before I have to start packing my clothes again for the next morning.  
• "Cook on the weekends" you say?  Great idea and I have done it.  And, although it is nice to have something to reach for when we get home from work, I usually like to spend my weekends doing something I actually enjoy. Surely two hours in the car everyday affords me that much, no? I just haven't figured out how to do healthy eating with minimal prep time.
4. Sleeping - I made an appointment with a sleep clinic a few months ago.  Although it felt silly to be seeking advice on something I have often thought about adding to my resume under "skills and talents," after having visited every other type of professional, I didn't know where else to go regarding my constant state of sleepiness.  As it turns out, I was sleep deprived.  Apparently I was "comatose" which is why I was such a sound sleeper. The doctor said that she is typically "concerned about anyone" who scores a 10-12 on their sleepiness rating and that I had scored a 19!  I will admit that I do tend to "burn the candle at both ends but it isn't as glamorous as it sounds considering my candle is based on my doing better with morning workouts and the fact that there is just too much good television and reading at night to want to go to bed early.  Knowledge is power, but I still struggle to get a decent  amount of rest even after I found out that I am an "eight hour sleeper."  
• FYI, the sleep center doctor was brilliant and I was so pleased to find out that there was a simple cure for my lack of energy, memory recall, and unexplained weight gain (although my white knuckled grip on that delicious food wagon could also be to blame).  It was much better than the brain tumor with which I had diagnosed myself.
5. Cleaning - Don't get me wrong, I love having a clean house.  Refer to numbers 3 & 4 for "candle burning" and "lack of energy." I just have no qualms with the large pile of clean clothes that often (and currently) overflows on our couch.  Our Dachshund also has no issues with it, as he often likes to climb up and lie on the top of the pile, which we refer to as "Mount St. Murphy."  

For now, these things are just that. A list of "things" I wish I would improve upon.  I am just glad that Murphy doesn't judge me on my inability to spin more than two plates at once.  

pile of clean clothes + dog = my horrified mother 

March Madness Indeed

When I met my husband, almost nine years ago now, he introduced me to what is considered the pinnacle of college basketball known as "March Madness."  Although anyone can tell you that I am not one to seek out sporting events to attend, watch, or even read about, I enjoy the occasional hype and even find myself actually feeling passionate about certain games, teams, or players from time to time.  This passion is usually based on some "inside look" ESPN has aired, resulting in my emotional connection to the story, and is, in my opinion, marketing genius.

If you aren't familiar, March Madness is what happens when the entire NCAA (college) basketball season boils down to 68 teams chosen for one month (March) of tournament play where they are picked off in five rounds until there are only two teams left to play for the tournament title and be named National Champions.  Each team gets a "seed number" at the beginning of the tournament and is listed on a "bracket" by who they will play during the first round, which is based on their school's location. Anyone can print off a bracket, fill in who they think will win each round of the tournament and then watch to see if their teams win or lose.

As you can imagine, when he first explained this process to me, my instant response was that I could never win.  First of all, it didn't make all that much sense and, most importantly, I don't even watch basketball or have any clue about the teams.  My husband assured me that knowledge of the game has very little to do with it, that a low seed (like a twelve) could pick off a higher-seeded team (like a five) which could help or hurt anyone's bracket and that it is anyone's guess as to who would win.  He also reminded me that the team's seed numbers were based on their season's ranking, so, if I was in doubt, I could just choose the number one seeds to win, which could improve my odds.

Please note the fact that simply thinking I could possibly beat him in tournament picks for anything sports related was really exciting and far too tempting to pass up. So, we wagered dinner and a movie of the winner's choosing and the rest was history.

My Bracket Philosophy:

• Presentation - Over the years I have laminated my brackets (pending my access to a laminator), color-coded my wins and losses and made sure that my handwriting and choice of bracket (various websites have them available for print) make for the best possible presentation.  I believe that feeling good about my bracket, even aesthetically, is directly correlated to how confident I feel about my picks.  Ask me how happy I was the year our brackets were sponsored by Hooters.  Answer: Not at all.  
• Choosing the Winner - My scientific method for choosing teams is strategically based on, aside from their seed number, the team mascot, team color, and where the college is located. 
• For instance, Illinois is represented by the "Fighting Illini."  In whose heart does that strike fear?  Also, a bird would not beat a cat unless the bird is an Eagle or a Hawk and the cat is Indiana State's "Sycamore Sam" (pictured below).

• In regards to color, I like a cool color (my mom would credit this tendency towards my being classified as a "winter") so I tend to pick teams who wear blue, gray, silver or purple.  Very rarely would I root for a team wearing orange, red or yellow.  
• Location is the least of these, but my theory is that students who live in states with year round seasons have a better chance of winning because those students are more likely to practice on their own courts outside of indoor, required team practices. For example, I don't think a team in Colorado would do as well due to the high altitude and cold weather.  On the other hand, a team that lives too close to the coast might be distracted by the beach in the off season.  Therefore I am more likely to pick teams from the midwest and/or south who I think have the best potential for winning based on weather.  Well, that and because there just simply isn't much else to do in these parts of the country besides play sports.

Based on these three factors, I was only down by one in terms of years of winning coming into the 2012 season.  That is especially impressive considering, which my husband often reminds me, that it has only been two years since I stopped asking in mid-November when the brackets were coming out.  Now when I ask, he says "at least you have started waiting until March to ask."

This year, I don't know what happened to me, but my bracket (as Granny would say) "went to pot."  I could blame it on being tired, not having eaten enough that day, or that I just didn't give my bracket enough thought or ask enough questions to make informed decisions. 

All I know is that, somehow, I ended up going completely against my own system and chose Syracuse who, if anyone is paying attention to this tournament, got knocked out of the tournament by Ohio State in the Elite Eight.  That is only the fourth round!!  

For some reason, when the seeds were first announced, Syracuse (a number one seed) stuck out to me.  Typically, I will print my own bracket and take the time of filling it out.  This year, I came home from work, quickly filled in the blanks on the bracket my husband had printed, and was done in under 5 minutes.

I was so mad when they lost, and can I just say that those guys did not cry hard enough?  Who knows what movie I am going to have to see and which Fat Mo's Burger I will be dining on (yes this is actually the name of a restaurant and, yes, it is one of his favorites).  Although I do love a good burger or BBQ sandwich, mediterranean food is all the more tasty when you know you've won the right to choose it for that night's dinner. 

Honestly, I had thoughts of writing those boys a mean letter to let them know of my disappointment, that I should have known better, and that thanks to them I lost out in the brackets a week early.  With help, distance, and time, this notion has since passed, but that is how mad it made me.

Of all of this, I think the thing that makes me the most upset is that had I just followed my own philosophy, I would have never chosen Syracuse.  They live in New York, wear bright orange, and their mascot, well, I am just ashamed to say that I didn't even ask before picking them, but it is the "Big Orange Blob."  I don't even know what that is, but he obviously isn't out to beat anyone and I don't think his arms are even long enough to dribble.

So tonight, the two teams going head-to-head for the National Championship are the University of Kansas Jayhawks and the University of Kentucky Wildcats.  Two teams who wear blue, one from the midwest, and one from the south.  My pick is for Kentucky to take the win because not only does Kansas have red with their blue, but a bird would never beat a cat. 

     

So, if you do decide to fill out a bracket next year, take my advice and get some rest, eat well, and take your time picking your teams.  Otherwise you might end up with an East Coast, orange blob that gets knocked out in the fourth round.

Definitely Maddening. 

As Promised ~ Oscar Predictions

Best Picture ~ The Artist

I can't say enough about how much I enjoyed this film.  Being a silent film, I was curious to see it, but wasn't sure how I was going to be able to sit through it.  And that is exactly why it should win.  In a world of instant gratification, technology, and sensory overload, where overt sexuality is king, The Artist swept me up into a story of a silent film actor resisting the changing of the film industry when everyone else around him was transitioning into the progressive new idea of "talkies."  With very few subtitles, the music and acting create a complete story and provoke all of the emotions usually propelled by the script.  The Artist should win and, as others have mentioned, Uggie was completely snubbed. 

Best Actor ~ Jean Dujardin, The Artist

See above.  He is a very animated French actor and I enjoyed watching him on screen.  After seeing him on several shows promoting his nomination, I like him even better.  

Best Actress ~  Viola Davis, The Help
I fear I may have missed Glenn Close's winning portrayal in Albert Nobbs, but my personal vote is for Viola Davis.  Trained at Juilliard, she is very articulate and professional.  I watched The Help again this weekend just to remind myself why I loved it so much.  She is phenomenal and deserves the win. 


Best Supporting Actor ~ Christopher Plummer, Beginnings
Honestly, I have it from Leah's Netflix queue but haven't had time to watch it this weekend.  My vote is based on his previous wins at other award shows and the amount of buzz surrounding him. 


Best Supporting Actress ~ Octavia Spencer, The Help
Again, just a fantastic movie and Octavia Spencer made Minny.  


Best Adapted Screenplay ~ Hugo
Directed by Martin Scorsese, this movie just felt magical to me.  I would think that anyone with a child between the ages of 8 and 12 would enjoy this story about a young boy who lives in the clock tower of a London train station.  


Best Original Score ~ The Artist
The entire movie is music; surely they will not overlook the amount of work that took. 


Best Documentary Short ~ Saving Face

This story follows a Pakistan-born Plastic Surgeon from the United States who gives back to his homeland by helping women who have been disfigured by acid-throwing crimes.  It is a story of sadness and redemption.  Unfortunately, the redemption is usually in the form of multiple surgeries to heal the physical scars.  The movement to find justice for these women is still in its early stages and moving slowly.  The greatest travesty is that the perpetrators are the husbands, fathers, and in-laws of these women, many of whom they still live with and who believe that they deserved the consequence for some action believed to have been committed.  

Best Animated Short Film ~ The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Definitely my favorite short film and even better than some of the full length nominees.  As an avid reader, I was moved by the story's ability to show how books can bring us to life and even the idea that by reading we are giving them purpose as well.  It is whimsical and thought-provoking at the same time. 


Best Cinematography ~ The Tree of Life
This is the one I couldn't sit through and had to fast forward through many of the seemingly endless nature scenes.  The previews and the cast, which includes Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, and Jessica Chastain, make you want to think there is an actual plot.  Not so much.  Very artsy, far too long and, yet, it is right up Oscar's alley.  Best Nature Documentary with Random Acting, yes, not Best Picture by far. 


There are twenty-four categories in total to which we have voted on.  I am looking forward to our Oscar party and will give an update on how I did!


Movies I Endorse from this Oscar Season:


The Artist
The Help
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Hugo
Moneyball
The Iron Lady
Puss in Boots




Movies I Could Have Done Without:


The Tree of Life
The Descendants
Midnight in Paris (although Leah loved it.  Maybe because she is an English teacher.)
My Week with Marilyn

The Road to OSCAR

At first glance, one might be fooled by my talk of ladies' locker rooms at the gym and training for half marathons. Let me assure you, however, that being "active" is something I do because I know I am supposed to, much like eating vegetables, not because I necessarily enjoy it.  
You see, my true passion and, I would argue, talent, lies in my ability to be completely sedentary. I am actually very skilled at all things completely and utterly inactive. If reading my People magazine and random books, playing on my precious MacBook, watching TV, movies, or attending any live theater productions provided any sort of caloric burn, they would absolutely be my exercises of choice. If the aforementioned activities were considered sports, I also imagine I could receive a medal of some kind based on my ability to do several of them simultaneously.  

Enter my friend Leah who shares my love of all things arts and leisure (emphasis on the leisure aside from pedicures, which due to some unsavory news coverage, have her fearful of infection).  Traditionally, when Oscar season rolls around, we keep up with the nominees, watch the major award shows together, and, usually, can only speak to about half of the nominees.  

However, somewhere on this year's road to Oscar, we got serious and agreed that we would work to be more informed about the nominees than ever before.  If only being informed about the 2012 Presidential Election were half as enjoyable, we might be more motivated to watch.  Over the years, I have met others who make it their goal to do the same thing, but they are usually retired and have a lot of time on their hands.  

Our Mission: to see the 9 Oscar nominated films for Best Picture and any other movies nominated in major categories. 


Could we actually do it?  Would we be able to catch all of the Oscar Nominees (or at least those nominated in major categories) before the February 26th broadcast? Would we actually want to see the movies that would be listed at the January 24th announcement?

Cue the Rocky music and cut to Leah and I in our sweats, drinking caffeinated beverages to keep us going after a full day's work, sneaking in snacks to tide us over, and enduring long hours of critically acclaimed cinematography. Actually, we spent lots of time in public theaters which, unfortunately, eighty-sixed the sweat pants.  Rocky took the easy way out.  Jogging in sweat pants is one thing; sitting in a theater seat while the button on your jeans bites into your belly for hours upon end is quite another.  


Recognizing that sitting in a movie theater is not the most difficult of tasks, I would have to say that it was, surprisingly, exhausting at times.  Spending increased amounts of time in work clothes, plotting our viewing schedule based on various theater times and locations, and sitting through My Week with Marilyn made for some difficult times.  


All in all, it has been a great run and I am so looking forward to Oscar night in which Leah and I will be hosting a viewing party complete with an Oscar movie themed menu.  See below for an approximate tally of our journey.  


Know that there are a few numbers left off of this list that I just couldn't calculate which include: The amount of money spent ~ we had fun with it; anyone worried about the crunching of those numbers probably has different interests and opinions on the cost of the occasional movie goer's snack and doesn't even want to think about it.  It is too depressing.  Thanks to Leah for keeping us stocked with her Mary Poppins purse o' treats!  


There is also no way I could put a value on the times I was swept away by a plot line, felt emotion (good or bad) towards a character, or showed some sort of visible emotion whether it be laughing, crying, or anger.  On a side note, I would suggest seeing The Help or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close if you are interested in experiencing all three emotions in one sitting.  

That is why I love the movies.  The ability to convey a message, show the power of someone else's story, and broadening the audience's horizons by inviting them inside someone else's world, whether it be real or not, is an impressive art. 

OSCAR BY THE NUMBERS

• 1,360 - MINUTES SPENT WATCHING OSCAR NOMINATED FILMS
• minus the amount of times I had to fast forward just to get through, and the point at which Leah stopped watching all together, the Tree of Life.
• Plus the minutes spent watching Ides of March and 50/50 which were recognized in previous awards arenas, but did not receive Oscar Nominations

• 29 - TOTAL NUMBER OF FILMS WATCHED
• this number includes fourteen "shorts" which run approximately 5 - 35 minutes each. 

• 9 - MOVIES WATCHED IN THE THEATER
• over a 6 week period between January 13th and February 24th 2012

• 16.5 - TOTAL HOURS SPENT IN THE THEATER

• 5.5 - LONGEST STRETCH OF HOURS SPENT IN ONE DAY(the Oscar Nominated "Short Films" were shown in concession at the Belcourt Theater

• 4 - THEATERS IN AND AROUND NASHVILLE THAT BENEFITTED FROM OUR OSCAR EDUCATION

• "Nicest Theater" - Thoroughbred 20 in Franklin
• "Most Convenient to Restaurants" (also most uncomfortable seats) - Regal in Green Hills
• "Most Original" (and worst view for a short person without stadium seating, but I will take it for the nostalgia) - The Belcourt Theater in Green Hills which showed the Oscar Nominated Shorts. 
• "Most Underrated" - Hollywood 27 which showed many films that others had stopped showing, including Hugo and My Week with Marilyn 

• 7 - MOVIES SEEN PRIOR TO OSCAR SEASON

• 6 - MOVIES WATCHED AT HOME VIA NETFLIX

• 3 - MOVIES LEFT UNSEEN  
• War Horse was out of the theaters by the time we got around to it. I won't pretend I was sad about that.  I don't enjoy watching the mix of war and animals.  Honestly, animals in movies is never a draw for me as they almost always die. Also, I don't think it has any chance of winning so I don't feel like I missed much.  
• I am, however, disappointed that we didn't get to see Albert Nobbs with Glenn Close, who I actually think could take the Best Actress Award.
• Also, for some reason God is the Bigger Elvis was not included in the Belcourt Theater's showing of the nominated Documentary Shorts which I was very disappointed by.

• 14 - FILMS IN WHICH A FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND/OR A BRITISH ACCENT WAS USED 
• Leah and I are practically British citizens at this point.

• 20 - AMOUNT OF DOLLARS I OWE TO THE CITY OF NASHVILLE FOR THE PARKING TICKET I RECEIVED OUTSIDE OF THE BELCOURT THEATER

• 3.5 - POUNDS I GAINED ON THE ROAD TO THE OSCARS. 
• As you can imagine, this sport does not encourage increased muscle mass. 

• 1 - NUMBER OF OSCAR RELATED INJURIES REPORTED THIS SEASON
• Belonging to me. My neck has been tingling after sitting for long periods. I think it has something to do with the disproportionate height of the auditorium style seating, my 5'1" frame, and terrible posture.

Stay tuned for my Oscar predictions!

My Prudish Confession

A prude (Old French prude meaning honourable woman) is a person who is described as (or would describe themselves as) being concerned with decorum or propriety, significantly in excess of normal prevailing community standards. They may be perceived as being more uncomfortable than most with sexuality, nudity, alcohol, drug use, or mischief.  ~ taken from the web's most reliable source: Wikipedia

Disclaimer: I am a self-proclaimed Prude.  When I buy an item of clothing, I often think about what I can wear under and over it (and yes, I do mean both... simultaneously).  I think that "modest is hottest" and believe that the biblical shame that originally went along with being naked has lost some of its oomph.  I think we could use a little more shame in our society and, frankly, fear we may have lost the concept all together.  

In today's media, arguably the most modest example we have is the Duggar family whose reality show, "19 Kids and Counting," has made them famous for their conservative teachings.  If you have ever watched the show, you know that the Duggar family is modest, choose not to wear shorts (girls and boys), and that when they see a woman dressed inappropriately, they use the word "nike" to alert the male members of the family to look in a different direction.  Just this past week, while watching the Today Show, we could not help but find humor in the horrified look on Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's faces as they sat opposite Sports Illustrated 2012 Swim Suit Cover Model Kate Upton, with her cut-down-to-the-navel blouse, waiting to be interviewed.  My husband shouted "nike, nike" at the screen and I laughed hysterically at the obvious discomfort between the three of them before heading out the door to work.

Referring to the title of this post, it probably wouldn't be shocking to learn that a "Duggar" is something I have been accused of being when referring to thoughts on modesty.  So much so that my sister has turned the name into a verb as in "Why do you have to Duggar everything up?"  

And this brings us to my prudish confession.  The confession is not that I am a prude, because that cat tore its way out of the bag somewhere around the time I was voted "Most Likely to Become a Nun" at my very Protestant public high school.  A senior night superlative that I told my mom made me want to rob a bank just to prove otherwise, while she assured me by saying "Don't worry, you will get married."  The latter concept had not even entered my mind for why I may have received the title.  

You see, my husband has had a subscription to Sports Illustrated magazine for almost twenty years.  For the last seven of those years, I, too, enjoy picking up the magazine from time to time to read a personal interest article, see a photograph taken of the latest amazing athletic feat, or check for tips that might help me make my picks during our annual March Madness bet.  

However, when the annual Swim Suit Issue arrives, it isn't my husband that ends up thumbing through the pages.  Whether it is solely out of respect for me or due to his actual interest in reading the sports commentary (I will gladly accept the gesture either way), he never shows interest in the barely-clad, bikini-bodied girls. Shockingly, I don't have that kind of restraint.  Seriously, it is like seeing a streaker on the football field at halftime.  I just can't turn away.  It's not that I want to see the nudity.  I am definitely not turned on by it, and, yet, the curiosity gets me every time. 

Curiosity?  Yes, curiosity.  My mind is littered with questions as I make my way through the issue... 

1. Does your mother know you're doing this?  
2. Is she proud of it?  
3. Did you have a strong male figure in your life as a child because surely you wouldn't be doing this if you did, right?  
4. Were you born hairless or did they wax your entire body?  
5. If they waxed it, what is the perfect window between redness from waxing and regrowth?  
6. How much of that is PhotoShop?  
7. My underwear covers more than that, so when they handed you the wet, white t-shirt that stops at your armpits did you even question it, or do you just put it on casually as if it actually made for sensible beach wear?  
8. Am I the only one who can not stand to have sand stuck to my backside (although there are some incriminating pictures from my childhood that would prove otherwise)?  
9. The "Athletes in Body Paint" section, really?  Who talked you into thinking that a painted-on bathing suit is covering?  That is just naked, ladies.  
10. Is there really a need to spend the absurd amount of money it must cost to take the swim suit issue shoot around the world to places like Australia, Zambia, and Panama touting "148 destinations, covering six continents, 53 countries, and 13 states?"  Because I am pretty sure you could have shot that in the wave pool with a floating discarded diaper (why is there always a floating diaper in those things??) at the local water park and men would still be drooling.  
11. Is it really necessary to list the model's hobbies, education, and vision for the future?  Is there anyone who really cares why Adaora has chosen to only go by one name or about Nina's favorite Danish dish?  Who thinks differently about Michelle's seductive pose now that we know she turned down a swimming scholarship to Yale, or takes Jessica seriously while she is wearing a completely see-through mesh shirt now that we know she studied SIDS while getting her Psych degree?  
12. Also, though not a question as much of a social consciousness, I don't know if I should feel embarrassment for the misplaced priorities of our country while they stand half naked girls in front of fully clothed locals of some remote island or be glad that they are promoting tourism? 

This is where I have to stop and take a moment to think because, although I do prefer a more layered look and don't mind being called "modest," I don't think I am quite to a Duggar level of demure. No matter what my preferred undergarments might suggest. I mean, the Duggars would never talk about waxing. Clearly I am far more cutting edge. 

While writing this post, I told my husband that I see myself as a nice, happy medium. He then pointed out the fact that, up to this point, I have given pros and cons of the Duggars, but only negative thoughts about the swim suit issue models.  He suggested that I find things in common with the models to better balance the theory that I am not to either extreme.  "Like what?" I asked.  

"I don't know. Your love of travel?" 

So here it is, a list of, although it be short, things I might have in common with a swim suit model.

1. Our love of travel.  Ok, so this was already mentioned, but I am having a hard time starting. 
2. Comfort in front of a camera.  Although they appear to be different levels of comfort, I also enjoy photography and have never been one to shy away from a picture. 
3. Shared emphasis on fitness.  Again, clearly different degrees of dedication but I also want to be in good health and definitely wouldn't mind getting those kind of results. 
4. Use of beauty products.  I wear makeup and always enjoy a good mani/pedi too. 
5. Driven.  I work hard and enjoy my job.  We may look completely different performing tasks at work, but I could never say they haven't worked hard to get or keep what they've got.  See number 3.

As you can see, I am struggling.  Maybe if I actually met one of them, like the Duggars, I would find more in common than the superficial.  Hopefully, I wouldn't take the opportunity to talk with them about the unnecessary practice of baring it all on a beach in Bali. 

All I know is that every year the issue comes, every year I can't help but look, and every year I ride the fence between horror and amazement.  Flipping each page with thoughts of "Have you no decency and would I have decency if I looked like that?"  Wondering what went wrong to leave them with such little confidence that they would be willing to allow men they don't even know (and will probably end up having to get restraining orders against) to ogle them at what they are trying to present as a valid profession.  Wishing my workouts provided that much muscle tone and then realizing that my one hour, four days a week with a desk job probably doesn't even begin to touch the amount of time they spend on their bodies which is both freeing and annoying at the same time.  

The last page of the magazine, with the aforementioned white quarter length shirt fitted more for the likes of a three year old, has a headline that "The 2013 issue will be the 50th."  Knowing it too will be on our counter in the stack of mail, I can't help but think about someone's daughter excitedly gearing up to pose in next to nothing for the sake of her "career."

At the end of the day, I just hope that I am somewhere between a "Duggar" and the "Cover". 

A Prayer From the Ladies Locker Room

As I stand here at 7:15 a.m., staring back at myself in the mirror of the unforgiving and harshly lit "Ladies Locker Room," listening to various conversations of those around me, I can't help but pray.

God, please don’t let me grow bitter as I age. Must I get to the point where I complain publicly? About everything? 

Lord, it isn’t that I am unaware of the “excess chlorine from the sauna that is burning my eyes” during my shower, the "unbearable heat index" of the shower room, or the need for additional showers that "would cut down on my wait time," but it doesn’t stop there. Is it necessary to have a debate over whether the sauna should exist at all?  "Everyone agrees that the whirlpool must go.” Well, at least the three ladies in the conversation at this particular moment agree, so it must be unanimous.

Would it be too much to ask to actually hear The Today Show over the seemingly endless remarks regarding the new regulations that require larger restrooms for handicap accessibility which are “big enough to park my bus in”?  

If I live long enough that even the mention of the spin class music enrages me, may the stress of it not show all over my face, causing me to complain about the makeup industry's inability to create a decent foundation.

Speaking of my face, God, let me not forget that it is the only thing that should be staring back at me in the reflection of the multiple, strategically-placed mirrors located throughout the locker room. Mirrors that, much like a carnival "fun house," distort, magnify, and reflect images that serve only to confuse those unfortunate enough to have wandered in.

May I always keep my towel wrap, with the smartly placed Velcro, closed tightly.  If there is ever permanent body art added to the general area located below my chest and above my knees, might I remember that no one paid to see that art show and that the term “art” is always subjective.  

Lord, help me to remember the “No Nudity” sign posted in its prime location and forsake all thoughts that would result in my need to stand naked in front of the fan to dry, put on my bra while standing next to some poor soul trying to apply makeup in the same mirror, or squat for any reason. 

Please forgive me lest I forget and accidentally show my upper thigh while bending over to pick up a dropped makeup brush and, for the sake of all others, wipe the image from their brains so that they may continue their day without thinking about “that lady in the locker room.” 

And Lord, if I do slip into any one of these discrepancies, I ask that you withhold judgment against those who secretly delight in the diseases that I will indeed contract from the carpet, counters, and the bench I insist on sitting upon bare-bottomed. 

And when any man, upon hearing this prayer, envisions the young, fit, nineteen-year-olds who commit the aforementioned offenses, might their minds' eyes show them the realities of saggy, floppy, aging, fading, sweating, wrinkly skin that I am exposed to each and every morning in the ladies locker room.

Above all, thank you for the motivation to get out of bed, at what I think You would even agree is an unholy hour, to pursue even the most minimal levels of physical fitness, the full capability of my body, the ability to use all restrooms without the need to rely on handicap accessibility, the joy of a hot shower after a long workout, and the encouragement I get from the women of the ladies locker room.  Who, despite their endless negativity and nude pride parades, always make a point to ask how I am doing, acknowledge gaps in my presence, compliment my wardrobe choices, and inspire my continued activity. 

And when I feel the need to bring such a long list of matters to You, as I did this morning, know that I am always thankful for Your silent reminder that it is I who is the complainer.  

Amen.

Mrs. Personality

Realizing how lucky I am to have found someone that appreciates me and who is quick to downplay any shortcomings I might point out, I will often (jokingly) ask my husband what it is that keeps him hanging around.  His answer: "You're fun."  Oh good.  Of course I am happy that he enjoys our life together and, truly, we are the best of friends, but I can't help but think I should probably impress him with something besides my stand up routine.

Despite my mother's best efforts, I have never been what anyone would call "domesticated." Not that I don't prefer a clean house, it's just that, unlike my mother, I don't have a problem relaxing in one that isn't. Fortunately, I am married to a man who doesn't mind and, even better, willingly does his part without me even having to mention it. I am also not the "financially responsible one,"the "sweet-natured supporter," or a "natural in the kitchen." One might say that, although I am not necessarily a disaster at being any one of these things, most of my talents lie outside of the home, and, sadly for my sweet husband, outside of the marriage.  It may sound self-deprecating, but I prefer to see it as an honest assessment of my gifts.

I won't go into the cliche, formerly dateless, chubby school girl version of the story, but I was, and have been, type-cast in the "friend" role my entire life.  It is for this reason that I nearly broke a rib from laughing so hard this past weekend over what was supposed to be a romantic gesture on my husband's behalf.

We were on our way to dinner when the Monkees' song "I'm a Believer"came on the radio and we both started singing. I playfully asked if that is how he felt when we first met. He smiled and when the chorus started again, put his own twist on the song by changing the lyrics to "then I saw her personality, now I'm a believer." I literally cried I was laughing so hard. I knew he meant well, but really, is that what any girl wants to hear? Through my bouts of wheezing, I assured him that it is not.

There is probably a lesson to be found in being type-cast and, I am sure, this shoe fits comfortably for a reason. I have no doubts that my husband finds me attractive and, of course, there are worse things of which to be accused than having a fun personality. Surely some might say that if I really wanted to contribute more then I should probably sign up for cooking lessons or start dusting more often, but I think I'll stick to talking, smiling, and laughing.  After all, being fun is his favorite trait and I wouldn't want to disappoint.